We previously chronicled how in the Internet age, the whole sex toy thing has gotten completely, terrifyingly out of hand.
Well, there’s a whole new generation of devices that will get your blood pumping for all the wrong reasons. So have your nightmares welcome their new guests…
The Plow
Admit it, every time you visit your local sex store you look up and down the aisles and are secretly ashamed and disgusted that there’s not a single toy that can also double as some kind of medieval siege weapon.
Lucky for you, some perverse engineers thought the same thing and nipped that problem in the bud. As with all of the devices on this list, we’ll leave it to your imagination as to what the thing looks like in use.
Sexy Sadist Cock Ring
Ah, from medieval weapon to medieval torture device. If you’re into that sort of thing, or if you’re conducting your own inquisition, then this tiny Iron Maiden for a schlong may be right up your alley.
For those of us who prefer not to have metal spikes jammed in our units, it probably keeps a mean grip on hot dogs when you’re cooking over an open fire.
Disposable Canned Vagina
Teddy Bear Vibe
Goo Gobblin’ Granny
Fearsome Fingers
It’s pretty much a given that intimacy can’t be achieved very well without making use of the sense of touch. On the other hand, you’d figure it’s a given that you shouldn’t be trying to get intimate while wearing a poor man’s Freddy Krueger hand accessory on each finger, but not everyone rolls the same way. So cram these on your fingers and get the Emergency Room on speed dial.The Drippy Dragon
It’s sad that looking at a selection of dildos modeled after animals and mythical beasts is barely shocking in this day and age. But, thankfully, we have innovative devices like the Drippy Dragon to keep us on our toes.
This dildo, modeled somehow after a dragon wang, actually shoots jets of spooge for all those situations in which you need something like that to happen.
Enema Piss Rubber Pants
So you’re in a bit of a pickle. That special someone is coming over but you’re afraid your sex life is getting boring. What’s the best way to combine as many godawful fetishes into one place, preferably a pair of pants, as quickly and efficiently as possible? Here’s your answer.
Waiting for us to explain how it works? Figure it out. We’re done thinking about it.
Zeus Electric Urethral Sound Kit
Extreme Ass Spreader
The Cannon
Ah, again we learn why you don’t ask the Internet a question you don’t want to know the answer to.
Is that a radiation symbol on the side?
Strict Leather Dildo Face Harness
Well, might as well get the dildos out of the way now.
The thing is, every kind of sex has disadvantages, where you can’t reach certain things or perform certain actions, or one partner gets left out of the pleasure. This product seems to perfectly combine all of those downsides into one device.
And are we crazy or is it physically impossible to breathe with that thing on?
Drilldo
Oh, look. It’s a Drilldo.
So… we’re not experts on this sort of thing but do people build up like, a tolerance to vibrators? To the point that they need them to vibrate way, way more than even the most powerful internal motor can drive it? To the point that in order to feel anything, you need an industrial power tool spinning your marital aid at several hundred RPMs and creating enough friction to spark spontaneous vaginal combustion in the process?
Universal Water Works System
Aaaaand here’s a way to put out the aforementioned vagina-fire.
This actually looks like a fairly standard piece of high-quality plumbing equipment you’d find at the hardware store, until you look closely at the largest black attachment. Then you realize this is for, as the site says, “intimate water play.”
For extra fun, try to picture how the other attachments are used.